Bar Humor

Bar Jokes & The Gift of Quick Wit.

By: Sideshow Pete

Sideshow Pete - Bar Jokes & the Gift of Quick Wit

Quick wit is a gift. Some got it, some don’t… I personally, don’t. I feel that those who got the gift grew up in an environment that necessitated or fostered wit. If you’re like me, don’t give up hope, however! I also feel wit can be learned. Humor is a skill that can be honed.

Wit Vs. Humor

See, I grew up in the Midwest playing tennis. My goal was to have a big serve and volley. End a point quickly and move onto the next opponent. There was very little verbal “ball breaking” happening. On the other hand, my college buddies came from places like Paulsboro, New Jersey, Upstate New York, the burbs of Cleveland, and somewhere near the Bronx. They barely knew tennis, but all had the wit gift. Maybe another way to look at it, they had great “come-back lines” and hysterical “put-downs.” They were crushing my cans left and right, and out-do me to this day!

Quick wit and a sense of humor are two different things. I definitely have a sense of humor. I sometimes wake up laughing, write down what was so funny, only to decipher ancient Egyptian gibberish… leaving me wondering what was so funny I tried to capture on the hieroglyphic chicken-scratched paper? Which in turn, makes me laugh the next day, and usually a couple of days later!

A Sideshow Pete Ad:

Humor at the Bar (and behind it)

I’m not good at impromptu cleaver lines, so I choose to pocket a few “go-to’s.” When it’s time, they usually hit… or at least my odds go up for gut-busting, nose snortin’ humor that continues throughout the evening. Below are a couple of examples.

IE: If asked from a bartender or server,
“Can I get you anything else?”
I reply, “Suitcase full of money?” Haha!!

IE: If someone ever asks me,
“Got a match?”
I reply, “I sure do, your face and my ass.” Haha!!

IE: If someone inquires about the location of the restroom,
“Where’s the bathroom?”
I reply, “Over in the corner… wash your hands if you get any on ya.” Haha!!

In the Bar Industry, if you don’t have a sense of humor… GET OUT NOW! Also, kick the PC police out the door. This goes for the patron (AKA Bar-Fly) to the bartender to management. Encountering “off-color jokes” or “sexual innuendos” or “ball breaking” is simply part of the game. Don’t get me wrong… HUGE DIFFERENCE between racial slurs vs jest, rudeness vs humor, being an ass vs poking fun. It’s NEVER OK to cross lines or be a bully, especially when an abundance of alcohol is around. Bottom line, KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

When I was behind the bar tending to the needs of Bar-Flies, many times I’d intro with a silly greeting. This usually led to a much more social evening and a bigger tip. The moment the Bar-Fly approached, I might open with:

  • What’s shakin’ Bacon?
  • How about a cold drink hot stuff?
  • What’s your choice tonight Captain?
  • What’chu want, rabbit?
  • Is tonight a Top Shelf night? What can I start you off with?

Have you ever been called out, “Tell me a joke…” Below I’m going to lay down a couple that I hope make you laugh. A couple of “go-to” jokes in my bag.

Two Dirty Jokes

Bar Joke #1: Why do tennis players make the best lovers?
Because they’re really good at playing with 2 fuzzy balls.

Bar Joke #2: Why do Caveman drag their women by the hair and not by the feet?
Because their pussy would fill up with mud.


I love to laugh. I eat up making people laugh. I strive to show others and myself a good time. I want to be around others that like to laugh and have good times. This is the primary reason I wrote my book, 101 Ways to Amuse/Abuse a Bar-Fly. It is back pocket humor and entertainment.
Perfect for your favorite bartender, makes a great tip. Every home bar should have this book, makes a great gift. It’s far from PC, but it’s amused me and others for many years. If you want more engaging bar jokes or tricks, gags, bets, challenges, and riddles, pick up your copy today!